It is hard to have
words to say in certain moments. This is one of those moments.
For those who don’t
know, Oscar and I had planned to leave our parental roles here in the orphanage
at the end of August. I am 31 weeks pregnant and we felt the assurance that God
was leading us on to the next phase or out life as a family. Today, I was diagnosed
with preeclampsia. I have been put on complete bed rest for the next two weeks.
Meaning we will be leaving the orphanage
11 days early.
I will be honest and
say, there have been a lot of moments when I have been ready to leave. Moments
where my exhaustion is just so extreme… when my patience has been gone for hours and I
still have an hour of dealing with the kids left… when things are last minute and stressful …. or
when the tantrums of the kids or the grossness of their bodily functions leave
me so overwhelmed and fighting either tears or vomit (or both)… lots of moments
when I have said can’t I just leave now. Is it the end of august yet?
But, Here it is… time
to leave… and my heart aches so deeply that I can barely see the computer screen
through my tears.
I know it is right. I
know I must and need to leave this home and move in to my new apartment – where
rest is an option… or even a possibility. I know, without a doubt it is what I
am to do.
But these kids have
been ours for almost 9 months… we have loved them, disciplined them, lost our tempers
at them, asked them for forgiveness, hugged them, tucked them in, prayed with
them, played with them, done homework with them, cleaned them, fed them, and tried
to protect them. And now we have to leave them. This sucks… there is just no
other way to say it.
I am not afraid. I
have seen throughout my entire life God’s mighty hand of protection and provision.
I know the next few weeks will be filled with that same constant love of a
Father for me. I have seen it over and over again even in the last week: We
found the perfect apartment, in the perfect place for an amazing price. God
Provides. We caught the preeclampsia today on the very border… before it got
too dangerous. God protects. Oscar had already arranged to have this entire
week off (so now he can be home with me) – and is currently signing the papers
to get our apartment today. God always provides and protects.
I can honestly say – I
have peace in my heart about my health and the health of my daughter. It is in
His mighty hands.
Leaving these little
ones God gave me for a season… well… that is a little harder for me. Not
because God is any less faithful for them, but because I feel like there is
more I could do for them, could have done for them, should have done for them…
I will find my
comfort, knowing that as much as Oscar and I have loved these children, it is
but a small sliver of the love God has for them. He will be faithful to
complete the good work He has started in them. He will not leave them. He has
plans for their lives. He will provide and protect them.
I would ask for your
prayers in the following ways:
1.
My health
and that of our baby – that the preeclampsia would not worsen and that she will
have all the time necessary to grow before making her debut in the world.
2.
The kids –
that God will provide them the best new Tia they could have, that they will
understand that our leaving isn’t abandoning, that they will not be hurt by
this.
Especially
Yessica and Edwin – who are probably the most attached to us and will have the
hardest time understanding what is going on.
3.
Mine and
Oscar’s hearts – that the pain and ache we feel as we leave these children will
draw us closer to God.
4.
Getting
everything else done – that God will give us the ability to get everything we
need packed, unpacked, set up, bought ect done while I am laying in bed. (So
really pray for Oscar, cause he is only one man and will have the work of quite
a few to do…)
5.
The
orphanage – Oscar and I are only servants in the Master’s plan, but at the
moment seeing who will fill in and take over for us is unclear. Pray God
provides for the needs of the orphanage.
Below is an update I
wrote this weekend… I didn’t get the chance to finish it… but it has a little on how each of the kids is
doing, so I thought I would go ahead and share.
So much has changed
here in the Tesoros house. Here is a brief update.
1.
Juan moved
into the big guys’ house. He was old enough, and is going through a pretty
rough time with his behavior. The decision was made to put him where he
couldn’t be such a bad influence on the younger boys. He needs lots of prayer –
for a family, for healing, and to learn self control.
2.
Yessica
came to live with us the week before Juan left. She is adorable and a source of
joy, but it can still be challenging to have a 2 yr old (with all her strong
will and potty training issues) mixed in with 8 little boys. Her life is about
to go through a lot of changes, please pray she continues to grow and flourish
during the coming month.
3.
Alejandro
is a one step forward; two steps back kind of kid. Nothing is ever steady and
constant with him. Sometimes he goes weeks, even months without a potty issue,
then he poops on the living room floor 4 times in one week. With all the abuse
and neglect he has suffered in his short life, I am sure there are triggers and
causes, but identifying them is almost impossible. Pray he keeps moving forward
and progressing, and that the orphanage can learn to love him better –
discovering his triggers and helping him overcome the damage done.
4.
Jhon has
grown a lot over the past few months. I see him being more of a leader, and
being able to do so much more. There are also more smiles than before, and he
plays with the other kids much more often and with more interest. But, he has
also entered into a fit throwing phase. They aren’t extremely often, maybe one
every week or so, but they are loooong. Often they start for no reason, and
then I tell him when he is done screaming he can come out of his room – and he
just sits and screams for at least an hour. Just screaming. It is miserable,
for the whole house. We’ve tried a several different approaches, but none have
seemed to work. Prayers for this and his legal status and future are needed.
5.
Jose Luis
is Jose Luis. He is my steady one. He still screams and cries just to get
attention… and never has a potty issue. He has some exciting things that are
about to happen in his life… which I will write more about after they happen
and I can. Pray for the changes that are coming for him.
6.
Jorge has
proven to be one of the hardest one for me to maintain patience with of all my
kids. With all the neglect and malnutrition he has suffered there are gaps in
his reasoning and learning skills, but he is also extremely stubborn and throws
fits. It is hard for me to know in the moment when the struggle we’re going
through is because of the gaps or the stubbornness. I know I am not always, or
even often, what he needs. Pray we can help him to fill in the gaps and help
him to catch up.
7.
Pedro is
good. He is on track with his class at school, if not advanced. He behaves well
at home, as much as can be expected of a 7 yr old boy. Pablo may be Pedro’s
twin, but they are so different. He is always just a step behind Pedro, in
school, in behavior, in speed, in pretty much everything. They are both such sweet boys that deserve so
much more than they’ve got. Pleas pray that
the recent visits of abusive family member don’t cause deeper emotional
problems and that the issues their older sisters are struggling through will
not trickle down to them.
8.
Paul is
having a rough time at school. He is advanced for his class, but does not get
along well with his teacher. He has had a few issues with one of the boys in
his class as well. There has also been lots of insecurity in his legal
situation and future. All this has caused some severe issues in his behavior
over the past 2 months. He has some great days, but he has other where it is
lie after lie, disobedience after disobedience. It has been an almost daily
struggle to know how to handle this situation. Where the line between the need
for discipline and the need for grace and mercy falls in a child who has so
much inner turmoil and pain and but so rebellious . Every decision and action
Oscar and I have taken has been with uncertainty – praying we’re making the
right move. We have seen some improvement, with the lies especially, but Paul
is still struggling and needs lots of prayer.
9.
Edwin is
such a special child. He literally requires so much patience, and if his grin
wasn’t so innocent and unaware of how overwhelming he is, it would be
impossible to keep cool much more of the time. But when I am just about to lose
it and sent him to his room because I need a break, he grins, says “Amo Sam!”
and flaps his hands… and I remember the problem is mine, not his. A couple that
came down a year ago, and then came back this past month commented that he is
like a whole different kid. He has come out of his own world a lot. He still
swings and chants to himself… and his chapitas are still his most beloved
possessions, but he spends Much Less time sitting alone tapping it on the
ground. He interacts with others So Much More than he did before. The other day
Paul was standing in my room and was taking his shirt off and Edwin, all by
himself with no prompting and out of nowhere attacked him with tickles. It was
the first times I’ve ever seen him do something like that. It is exciting to
see him grow and awaken to the world around him. Continue praying for a forever
family for him.
