Monday, August 27, 2012

A Week Later


Here is a little update on life here… ok… it is really just a rambling entry of things happening here and feelings I am having… 
Monday we packed up everything and literally threw it into our apartment.
I have been trying my absolute hardest to stay in bed, but… bed rest in a complete disaster of an apartment, with no internet connection, on an air mattress = pretty LAME. But… every time I want to whine… I just kinda laugh… cause… well this is so ridiculous, and yet so full of the Grace of God. What do I really have to complain about?
We’ve started getting a few things put together and unpacked…  a little…
On Saturday, we finally got the hot water hooked up to the shower :)
Oscar traveled to Chiclayo and we finally got our furniture Sunday morning (after literally a week of only having an air mattress to sit on. Yikes) (and the movers, who were supposed to be there at 4 on Saturday afternoon, came at 6:30 in the morning Sunday :)
We’ve bought a fridge. Yay for cold drinks!
I have put together most of a 750 piece puzzle of Stonehenge.
I have not only watched a lot of movies, but I have also alphabetized my DVD’s.
I have decided that season 3 of The Office is my favorite season. 
Oscar took me to get a pedicure. He is the best. (He literally has not stopped working or moving hardly at all. He is amazing in so many ways, and my gratitude for him in my life has multiplied in the last week.)
I found one of Edwin’s bottle caps in my back pocket, and cried for 20 minutes. I also cried for 20 minutes the night Oscar left for Chiclayo… so… I am crying a lot.
It has felt really strange to go from constantly being needed, always having people around, there being constant noise to now being alone most of the time… and laying in bed being what I need to do… and so much quiet. I have a movie or music going constantly, cause the quiet just feels wrong.
I have had some visits from friend here – bringing me starbucks and magazines, or pizza and gifts, or loaning me things we need and don’t have yet. It has been a blessing and encouragement.
The volunteers have told me things in the Tesoros house are rolling along just fine and that they’re all adjusting well to the changes. They said Edwin has opened up even more, and what used to be overwhelmingly focused affection on Oscar and I has now become affection for anyone who will accept it. That makes my heart happy…
I can honestly say that I have peace… there are moments when I am not sure how we’re going to pay for things (hence why we don’t have internet yet)… and moments when I still worry about things in the orphanage – the volunteers, the big decisions, and my babies…  But most of this week has been full of peace.  Knowing God is in control.
And when the worries creep in (especially about the kids) I remind myself “This isn’t a tragedy in their life. Their tragedies are being completely abandoned by their families, watching their mother die, being beaten and abused… Oscar and I leaving them isn’t going to scar them for life. They have survived and been protected through things a million times worse than the padres that lived with them for less than year leaving. … But me worrying or making wrong decisions could be the tragedy in my daughter’s life. She isn’t ready to be born yet, and me choosing not to Trust God and accept His peace to keep me calm… me choosing to do more than I should, could cause damage to her that could scar her forever.” Then I leave whatever box I want to unpack or pile I want to get put away and go lay back down, even when it feels wrong for the right thing to be doing to be laying around doing nothing.
Thank you to all of you who have messages, emailed, written on my wall. Forgive me if it takes me a while to respond. Until we get internet set up at our place, I probably won’t get a chance to respond. I am grateful and encouraged by the love, support, and prayers of all of you.
This song came on my Itunes the other day… it is perfect:

Downhere - For the Heartbreak

Monday, August 20, 2012


It is hard to have words to say in certain moments. This is one of those moments.
For those who don’t know, Oscar and I had planned to leave our parental roles here in the orphanage at the end of August. I am 31 weeks pregnant and we felt the assurance that God was leading us on to the next phase or out life as a family. Today, I was diagnosed with preeclampsia. I have been put on complete bed rest for the next two weeks.  Meaning we will be leaving the orphanage 11 days early.
I will be honest and say, there have been a lot of moments when I have been ready to leave. Moments where my exhaustion is just so extreme…  when my patience has been gone for hours and I still have an hour of dealing with the kids left…  when things are last minute and stressful …. or when the tantrums of the kids or the grossness of their bodily functions leave me so overwhelmed and fighting either tears or vomit (or both)… lots of moments when I have said can’t I just leave now. Is it the end of august yet?
But, Here it is… time to leave… and my heart aches so deeply that I can barely see the computer screen through my tears.
I know it is right. I know I must and need to leave this home and move in to my new apartment – where rest is an option… or even a possibility. I know, without a doubt it is what I am to do.
But these kids have been ours for almost 9 months… we have loved them, disciplined them, lost our tempers at them, asked them for forgiveness, hugged them, tucked them in, prayed with them, played with them, done homework with them, cleaned them, fed them, and tried to protect them. And now we have to leave them. This sucks… there is just no other way to say it.
I am not afraid. I have seen throughout my entire life God’s mighty hand of protection and provision. I know the next few weeks will be filled with that same constant love of a Father for me. I have seen it over and over again even in the last week: We found the perfect apartment, in the perfect place for an amazing price. God Provides. We caught the preeclampsia today on the very border… before it got too dangerous. God protects. Oscar had already arranged to have this entire week off (so now he can be home with me) – and is currently signing the papers to get our apartment today. God always provides and protects.
I can honestly say – I have peace in my heart about my health and the health of my daughter. It is in His mighty hands.
Leaving these little ones God gave me for a season… well… that is a little harder for me. Not because God is any less faithful for them, but because I feel like there is more I could do for them, could have done for them, should have done for them…
I will find my comfort, knowing that as much as Oscar and I have loved these children, it is but a small sliver of the love God has for them. He will be faithful to complete the good work He has started in them. He will not leave them. He has plans for their lives. He will provide and protect them.

I would ask for your prayers in the following ways:
1.       My health and that of our baby – that the preeclampsia would not worsen and that she will have all the time necessary to grow before making her debut in the world.
2.       The kids – that God will provide them the best new Tia they could have, that they will understand that our leaving isn’t abandoning, that they will not be hurt by this.
  Especially Yessica and Edwin – who are probably the most attached to us and will have the hardest time understanding what is going on.
3.       Mine and Oscar’s hearts – that the pain and ache we feel as we leave these children will draw us closer to God.
4.       Getting everything else done – that God will give us the ability to get everything we need packed, unpacked, set up, bought ect done while I am laying in bed. (So really pray for Oscar, cause he is only one man and will have the work of quite a few to do…)
5.       The orphanage – Oscar and I are only servants in the Master’s plan, but at the moment seeing who will fill in and take over for us is unclear. Pray God provides for the needs of the orphanage.
Below is an update I wrote this weekend… I didn’t get the chance to finish it… but  it has a little on how each of the kids is doing, so I thought I would go ahead and share.


So much has changed here in the Tesoros house. Here is a brief update.
1.       Juan moved into the big guys’ house. He was old enough, and is going through a pretty rough time with his behavior. The decision was made to put him where he couldn’t be such a bad influence on the younger boys. He needs lots of prayer – for a family, for healing, and to learn self control.
2.       Yessica came to live with us the week before Juan left. She is adorable and a source of joy, but it can still be challenging to have a 2 yr old (with all her strong will and potty training issues) mixed in with 8 little boys. Her life is about to go through a lot of changes, please pray she continues to grow and flourish during the coming month.
3.       Alejandro is a one step forward; two steps back kind of kid. Nothing is ever steady and constant with him. Sometimes he goes weeks, even months without a potty issue, then he poops on the living room floor 4 times in one week. With all the abuse and neglect he has suffered in his short life, I am sure there are triggers and causes, but identifying them is almost impossible. Pray he keeps moving forward and progressing, and that the orphanage can learn to love him better – discovering his triggers and helping him overcome the damage done.
4.       Jhon has grown a lot over the past few months. I see him being more of a leader, and being able to do so much more. There are also more smiles than before, and he plays with the other kids much more often and with more interest. But, he has also entered into a fit throwing phase. They aren’t extremely often, maybe one every week or so, but they are loooong. Often they start for no reason, and then I tell him when he is done screaming he can come out of his room – and he just sits and screams for at least an hour. Just screaming. It is miserable, for the whole house. We’ve tried a several different approaches, but none have seemed to work. Prayers for this and his legal status and future are needed.
5.       Jose Luis is Jose Luis. He is my steady one. He still screams and cries just to get attention… and never has a potty issue. He has some exciting things that are about to happen in his life… which I will write more about after they happen and I can. Pray for the changes that are coming for him.
6.       Jorge has proven to be one of the hardest one for me to maintain patience with of all my kids. With all the neglect and malnutrition he has suffered there are gaps in his reasoning and learning skills, but he is also extremely stubborn and throws fits. It is hard for me to know in the moment when the struggle we’re going through is because of the gaps or the stubbornness. I know I am not always, or even often, what he needs. Pray we can help him to fill in the gaps and help him to catch up.
7.       Pedro is good. He is on track with his class at school, if not advanced. He behaves well at home, as much as can be expected of a 7 yr old boy. Pablo may be Pedro’s twin, but they are so different. He is always just a step behind Pedro, in school, in behavior, in speed, in pretty much everything.  They are both such sweet boys that deserve so much more than they’ve got.  Pleas pray that the recent visits of abusive family member don’t cause deeper emotional problems and that the issues their older sisters are struggling through will not trickle down to them.
8.       Paul is having a rough time at school. He is advanced for his class, but does not get along well with his teacher. He has had a few issues with one of the boys in his class as well. There has also been lots of insecurity in his legal situation and future. All this has caused some severe issues in his behavior over the past 2 months. He has some great days, but he has other where it is lie after lie, disobedience after disobedience. It has been an almost daily struggle to know how to handle this situation. Where the line between the need for discipline and the need for grace and mercy falls in a child who has so much inner turmoil and pain and but so rebellious . Every decision and action Oscar and I have taken has been with uncertainty – praying we’re making the right move. We have seen some improvement, with the lies especially, but Paul is still struggling and needs lots of prayer.
9.       Edwin is such a special child. He literally requires so much patience, and if his grin wasn’t so innocent and unaware of how overwhelming he is, it would be impossible to keep cool much more of the time. But when I am just about to lose it and sent him to his room because I need a break, he grins, says “Amo Sam!” and flaps his hands… and I remember the problem is mine, not his. A couple that came down a year ago, and then came back this past month commented that he is like a whole different kid. He has come out of his own world a lot. He still swings and chants to himself… and his chapitas are still his most beloved possessions, but he spends Much Less time sitting alone tapping it on the ground. He interacts with others So Much More than he did before. The other day Paul was standing in my room and was taking his shirt off and Edwin, all by himself with no prompting and out of nowhere attacked him with tickles. It was the first times I’ve ever seen him do something like that. It is exciting to see him grow and awaken to the world around him. Continue praying for a forever family for him.